Life positive coaching for all alternative lifestyle choices.
LOVE doesn’t occur inside a closet or in a box or otherwise in isolation. I encourage you to never think of you, two, alone separate and apart from the world or separate from the Universe’s energy. It’s not just a neat platitude to say that we are all connected. Your coupledom (or poly household) is part of the larger fabric and as such you can gain strength and stability from the rest of us, from the rest of the natural world, and beyond. As a romantic unit you generate love that can be radiated outward to assist this world just by setting an earnest intention. What you send out will come back to you in multiple ways.
NEGATIVITY attracts negativity. That’s the way the Universe works and not because I say so. The Universe has its own rules and protocols and that’s one of them. So, if your normal manner of communicating is full of criticisms, hurtful banter, insensitive slights, anger, shaming, guilt, humiliating someone, bullying, or threats then that is what you are contributing to the world AND negative energy will circle back to you.
LOVE is so much more than the romantic fictions that are so commonly portrayed. Perhaps, you have already discovered this. That’s great. Romantic movies always end right where real life begins. Then, what? Throw out the movies and the soap operas and novels. In their place negotiate and discover the truth about your combined needs and deepest desires. Create agreements based on your needs. Everyday, hold an intention of meeting each other’s needs and always sticking to your agreements. Write a relationship contract. Re-negotiate as needed.
The following are creative rest and relaxation ideas for all beloveds whether you are an individual or a committed couple or a committed multiple and for all orientations:
For one day, try one of these
–stay naked for a day, or
–handfeed each other (sustenance only comes from the beloved for a day), or
–bathe your beloved. The bathee has to practice receiving love. The bather is practicing a sustained focus on the beloved. It can be fun to switch places but you do not have to. Reciprocity should never be a requirement. Or,
–remove clothing, bathe, massage, and dress your beloved for a longer period of giving and receiving.
Be sure to turn off your phones and don’t go anywhere near computers or other electronic devices. Give your full attention to the beloved.
Experiment with types of communication:
For one hour,
Touch would be wonderful.
Pass each other notes. Smile.
Or, sit quietly together with a single pad of paper and a pen. Take turns writing to create a dialogue. Allow an extemporaneous, unrehearsed subject from the heart to evolve. Just focus on each other.
Later, reflect on how your language broadened or your comments were more thoughtful or something else remarkable happened just because you were using a slowed down method of communication. Perhaps, one of you or both will feel freer to express emotions in writing. Maybe there will be a surprise discovery. As you relax and allow the inherent peace of this exercise to take over it will be a sweet and wonderful expression of togetherness.
Remind each other to start each day with thoughts and feelings of gratitude. At bedtime, take a minute to remember all that you have to be grateful for. With daily practice each of you will be offering your partner the love and peace that feelings of gratitude inspire.
Train yourself to use words that suggest deep emotional connection such as love as a noun, beloved, spirit, eternal, passion, passionate, please, and thank you.
Flood your imagination and your everyday speech with a kind, gentle lover’s words such as touch, touching, caress, caressing, taste, smooth, silky, electric, dazzling, expansive, warm, melt, wild, bonded, extraordinary, care, super, mellow, patience, close, closer, feelings, hunger, thirst, need, desire, wants, satisfy, offer, nesting, encourage, support, lean in, more, spacious, delicious, caress, hold, kneel, bask, let go, release, yum.
The Charming His Heart exercise from Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict, Jonathan Robinson, Conari Press, 1997, pp. 30-31.
To know what makes your partner feel truly loved, it’s necessary to realize each person has different rules or laws as to what true love is.
There is a simple exercise you can do with your partner to find out how best to “charm his heart.” Have him become comfortable in a chair, and then slowly say the following: “Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and begin to think of a specific time you felt really loved by me. Remember that time as clearly as you can. Remember where we were, what we were doing, and exactly what happened that let you know I really loved you.” Give your partner a minute or so to fully re-experience such a moment. Then proceed. “What was most important in letting you know I fully loved you? Was it something I said, the way I looked at you, the way I touched you, or something else?”
You can gently deepen your questioning in order to tease out what specifically worked for your partner. Practice your excellent listening skills without needing to make any judgment about what you hear. The results might surprise you. The results will be invaluable information for you to put into practice to give your partner assurance, a sense of safety, and feeling loved in the ways that he or she can best receive your loving intent.
Count Me Down
So, what if one of you is feeling out of sorts or is upset about something? Count your partner out of their low or agitated mood. Begin by giving acknowledgment: “Looks like you are not feeling so happy. Do you want to talk? I promise to listen.”
This exercise works to soothe your partner and can be used before talking, during talking, and after. It will only take a minute for one of you to count the other one down. Engage her (him) eye–to-eye and move closer slowly. Notice her cues; make sure that she is open to sharing her personal space. If not (right then), stop and give verbal assurance again. “What can I do?”
Sometimes, the other person needs a minute or two or an hour with their own thoughts. “Just so you know I’m here, “ is what you’d say. Wait.
If you can move forward with counting then position the two of you into a light, loose hug so that eye contact wasn’t broken. Now, add stroking. Start a slow rhythm of long, light strokes along one arm. Or, try light little strokes over the heart. Go slowly. Allow yourself to slow down, inside and out. Or, maintain a steady hand lightly held on the chest. So now begin counting down in your most reassuring, loving voice as you keep eye gazing and stroking going. This is what you say: “I’m going to count from 10 down to 1. As I count you and I are going to head toward calm. More and more relaxed. You and me. When you and I reach 1 you will feel much calmer, more relaxed, more present. Here we go: ‘10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . .’ ” Languish in a deep hug for as long as you like.
You might notice that your breathing fell in sync. You might notice that your own mood or emotional state dropped along with your partner’s toward a calmer, mellower place. Good. Being able to soothe your partner feels good.
BOOKMARK THIS PAGE AND RETURN AGAIN and AGAIN FOR FRESH IDEAS AND TO SHARE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES. THANK YOU. AISHA-SKY